Easy Things for Clowns to Make with Balloons

According to the International Clown Digest, 89% of all clowns who have been performing for less than 9 months have trouble with balloon art.

Here is a list of some simple things to request your beginner clown to make for you:

Cucumber

Pole

Pencil

Pen

Mechanical Pencil

Long thin balloon

Arrow without the point

The letter I or lowercase L

Sign post without the sign

1 human leg

Mark McGuire's baseball bat

A straight lightning bolt

A condom filled with air

One half of a parentheses (depending on how straight his balloons are)

A cheap crappy light saber

Shark spear thing

Pitch fork without the two outer prongs

Static electricity producer

A long balloon shaped zip lock bag without a zip lock

Exclamation point without the dot

Stick figure mans arm

The hour hand on a clock

The minute hand on a clock

The seconds hand on a clock

The line that represents the gap in floor tiles

Stream of diarrhea

Round streamers

String cheese

Kate Moss

Fishing pole

Stipper pole

Fire hose

Anaconda

One of those inflatable things people wave around at basketball games to distract the free throw shooter

Crayon

The stem of a flower

A peepee

Drink stirrer

Phil Donahue

Walking stick

These are stupid. I am bored.
I died. The End.

Planet Mnemonic?

A fourth-grader at Riverview Elementary School has won the National Geographic planetary mnemonic contest, developing a handy way to remember the newly assigned 11 planets, including three dwarfs.

"My Very Exciting Magic Carpet Just Sailed Under Nine Palace Elephants"

John and I decided this wasn't good enough, and came up with a few of our own.

Steve:

I will make a thing for the regular nine planets
M V E M J S U N P

Mary’s vagina emulates my jewish sister Ula’s nice pussy

John:

many vestibules excrete massive jellies slurping up naked privates

Steve:

Molestation videos emit many joyous samples under new producers

John:

we've been doing it wrong, its 11 letters not 9!!
m v e m c j s u n p e

mohagany vinyl erections made chris jingle sausages under nightly pensive emotions

Steve:

Metropolitan vasectomies exclude men containing junctivitis, syphilis, unibrow, no penis enhancements.

John:

morning vacations enraded more caucasions just since uganda never penetrated ethiopia

Steve:

Mal-nutritioned voyagers erected mausoleums cautiously jamming stones under newly plowed earth

John:

Masterbating newlyweds very easily make cameos jumping strippers until naked Pretak escapes.

Steve:

Mcguire violently erected Melanie’s clitoris, joyfully she uncovered new penial entrances

John:

Most varmints eat meat, certain jejunes supple uterine nipples plus excrement

Steve:

Male virgins elicit many characteristics jumbling some unusual narcissistic points exclusively


John gave up. The planets had died.
The End.

List of Baseball Teams

New York Yankees - "we have lots of money and spend it on lots of good players but we still lose" oh and don mattingly and reggie jackson aren't there anymore so i don't like the yankees.
New York Mets - the poor mets, the mets are like that friend you have who always tries so hard but gets nowhere.
Chicago White Sox - a guy who separates his laundry before washing.
Boston Red Sox - a guy who washed his whites with his new red towel.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - pick a fucking name and stick with it, they went from los angeles angels to california angels to anaheim angels to los angeles angels of anaheim, which is too long of a name for a baseball team. the only good thing to come from this team was that movie with christopher lloyd.
Los Angeles Dodgers - too many teams in los angeles, go back to brooklynn, wait then too many teams in new york, then move to connecticut it'll shut up the yankee and red sox fans.
Seattle Mariners - they were thinking about being the seattle sailors but then they would have had to name their stadium poopdeck park.
Chicago Cubs - their football team is the bears, basketball team is the bulls, soccer is the fire, hockey is the blackhawks, how did the baseball teams get the stupidest names?
Detroit Tigers - there is a zoo in detroit and i checked they do have some tigers, but how many actual tigers are there in detroit? ten or fifteen tops? why not name your team your city has a lot of.... i dunno maybe crime? detroit crime? that sounds better.
Baltimore Orioles - ummmmm halloween colored birds? BOO!
San Francisco Giants - show me one straight giant in san francisco and i'll allow this team to play baseball
St. Louis Cardinals - what bird is tougher? an oriole or a cardinal? who knows. i say change then name to the st. louis pterodactyls, now there's a fucking bird.
Atlanta Braves - i like georgia peaches better, then roald dahl could have made more money by selling his giant peach and even james as the mascots
Philadelphia Phillies - fuck philadelphia, mostly cause of the eagles and that fucking bell, get some glue and shut up.
Houston Astros - nothing against the astros, mostly cause jeff bagwell played for them, he autographed a card for me when he was a new britian red sox
Oakland Athletics - such a creative name, athletics, shouldn't it at least be the oakland athletes or something? this team just needs a completely new name, like the oakland squids or something sexy like that
Toronto Blue Jays - yet another bird team, i say just stick to hockey canada.
Milwaukee Brewers - hell yes! i love the brew crew.
Minnesota Twins - one word....................."kirby puckett"
Cincinnati Reds - cincinnati sounds like sin sin atti and sins are bad like the devil and the devil is red, OHHHH i see how they came up with that.
Texas Rangers - fuck texas and their stupid rangers
Kansas City Royals - i like their field mostly cause it has really cool fountains in deep center field, how cool is that?
Cleveland Indians - cleveland drew careys?
San Diego Padres - for all those who don't speak spanish, that translates to san diego fathers
Colorado Rockies - ok ok, whats big and doesn't move and is hard to climb? mountains! ok lets name are team after the mountains! yay!
Arizona Diamondbacks - arizona fucking poisonous snakes that will kill you and eat your equipment after they eat you.
Pittsburgh Pirates - you show me one pirate in pittsburgh, they don't even have access to the ocean, wtf is that?!
Washington Nationals - i think this is one of the dumbest names ever and it was just created a few years back
Florida Marlins - florida is warm, marlins are funny looking, this team has cool uniforms
Tampa Bay Devil Rays - i like the tampa bay "mantra birostris" better

I saw a yankee, I pushed him, he fell and died.
The End.

Dedicated too Meghan (A english Major)

Good mornin every body!
Im hear with the whether forcast. Its raining in connecticut. and the end seams too not be near. Big fluffey clouds are coming in from the north and there gonna be full, of more rains. saturday looks like it will stop the raining, and, perhaps some sun will come out. Witch is good for me and alex. Me and him are gonna go play some Golf than hopefully go out to a bar and have a drink of Beer and watch the boston Red Sox play a baseball Game and, stuff. Their well have to get some Mozerallo sticks and possibly a sandwitch. And I dont no if we'll have enough time for some pan cakes.

The grammar Gods are upset. They strike me dead. I died.

The End.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman and Ricky the Stapler

My dear friend John, who got me writing these wacky things, has made a request for a story.
"write a story about a dinosaur who is part evil wizard and is married to a stapler" he said, in an electronic mail which was delivered to me by the interweb Gods.

Here is his story...

"PAAAYYYPPPERRR GIVE ME PAAAAYYPPERRRRRR" cried the stapler. He had been up all night whining about paper and how he wanted to attach it together with his "staples of connectivity." Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman woke up to his husband crying about paper and staples. "Shut up there little stapler guy you are annoying me, I'm trying to sleep!" yelled Rex. The stapler quited down a bit and went back to sleep.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman woke up to the sound of stapling. His husband Ricky the stapler had been stapling all of Rex's baseball cards together to get back at him for being mean the night before. This infuriated Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman who gave a loud trembling growl upon seeing his cards, "rar."

Ricky, being a stapler and all, could only communicate through morse code for staplers. "Staple, staple, long staple, long staple, staple, staple, long staple, staple." stapled Ricky. Rex somehow learned morse code for staplers and growled back at Ricky. This argument went on for hours and hours until finally the staple gave in. "Staple, long staple, staple." he stapled apologetically.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman had been studying the art of wizardry for almost three days now, he was ready to attempt his first trick. He was going to try to turn Ricky into a female dinosaur that could talk so he could have sexual dinosaur ex-stapler intercourse with it. Ricky didn't know of Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman's intents.

Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman did his wizardry voodoo magic spell casting thing on Ricky. Suddenly Ricky had changed into a giant Brontosaurus with a stunning set of legs and a tail you could eat off of. Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman and Brontosaurus Chicky Ricky had sexual intercourse for hours, until Brontosaurus Chicky Ricky gave birth to a deliciously dinosaur-like creature. They named it Hannah and taught it how to retrieve the mail and cook scrumptious dinosaur soufflé. But Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman was not always a nice wizard, once a month when the moons were full in what is now Northern Topeka Kansas, he would change to his evil wizard side.

This frightening night found Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman casting spells in his deadly lair of death and darkness and demise and destruction and rainbows and hatred and torture. Tonight was different from his monthly change, tonight he was gonna end it all. Tyrannosaurus Rex Grossman decided to cast spells on all the dinosaurs in the land making them all die a horrible death of darkness and demise and destruction and rainbows and hatred and torture. Every dinosaur died.

The End.

Ummmmmm what?

I just read an article on the interweb about Stain Claus.. errr.....Santa Claus. The article, from "Stockholm (AFP)," gives "facts" about Santa Claus:

"We estimated that there are 48 people per square kilometer (120 per square mile) on Earth, and 20 metres (66 feet) between each home. So if Santa leaves from Kyrgyzstan and travels against the Earth's rotation he has 48 hours to deliver all the presents," he said.

"He has 34 microseconds at each stop" to slide down the chimney, drop off the presents, nibble on his cookies and milk and hop back on his sleigh, Larsson said.

Santa's reindeer must travel at a speed of 5,800 kilometers (3,604 miles) per second to make the trip on time.

These "scientists" spent a good amount of time studying Santa's ways, but ummm

NEWSFLASH

Santa Claus is NOT REAL.......ly delivering all the presents himself, he has helpers! Duh! Reindeer can't go that fast that's why there are like hundreds of sets of reindeer. Reindeer only fly at a rate of 43 mph, and thats in clear weather. If you want your "white Christmas" you can expect delays all throughout the sky. As for the helper-present-delivering-dudes, they are all decked out in Santa gear (it's distributed by J Crew) and they are forced to consume three whole turkeys and one pound of mayonnaise per week to fatten up for the big night. Tim Allen left all this out of his movie, that bastard, giving false information to the entire country.

These stupid Swedish dudes who wrote the article know nothing about the real Santa Claus, they are so dumb they couldn't tell the difference between a kitty cat and a land mine.

And uhhhh why the fuck did the Santas start their delivery from Kyrgyzstan?! Is that even a real place? I thought he lived in the north pole or something. WTF mate? (Do they say that in Kyrgyzstan? Or is that another country I'm thinking of? And yes I know it is a real place, I lived there for 7 years before I went into the third grade in the US and A)

In 1946 a very tragic event happened, Santa Claus #398 and Blitzen #1479 overdosed on milk and cookies (it's like a drug for them.) They died.

The End.

My Attempt to Make a Palindrome Sentence

First I shall warm up with some palindrome numbers

121

YES! I did it! Now let's try a harder one..

12321

BOOYAH.

Now a word.

racecar

omg omg omg omg omg i'm so good at this

now a sentence.

cat says meow eoms yas tac

well...i guess it worked but it doesn't make sense

Kayak a tide, edit a Kayak.

ehhhh

Was it a rare era rat I saw?

OOOOO better

Step on tegs, get no pets.
(Teg - n. - A sheep in its second year or before its first shearing.)

That was dumb.
These are hard.
I'm giving up for now.

The teg got stepped on. Repeatedly. It died.

The End.